Equinox studios 1111

November 11, 2014 I was invited toEquinox studios for a close friends Raku firing.

It was a new moon in Scorpio which represents transformation, something has to die to be reborn.

We were setting intentions, burning up old crap, letting go. I randomly grabbed some bisque pottery pieces from my studio, not giving too much thought about the pieces I was choosing. I just wanted to go! Raku firing is an experience I never want to miss!

It was cold and rainy out, a classic Seattle November night.

As I was glazing the pieces of pottery a friendly couple walked in, curious of the event taking place.

My sleeves were rolled up.

They took notice of and inquired about the tattoo on my inner left arm.

I was struck by these random people asking about this deeply meaningful tattoo and was instantly flooded with memories that were directly connected to everything happening in that moment.

My world shrunk to a pin point in a nanosecond as I pieced all the seemingly random events that tied it all together.

My tattoo is 3 Hebrew letters

Mem Nun Daled, which is from the 72 names of God from the kabballah.

It means FEARLESS

Let me try to explain this series of events that shrunk my world to a pinpoint.

When my mom was dying of lung cancer in july 2010 I was also going through an awful divorce and fighting Bank of America to keep my home from a fraudulent foreclosure.

2 of my longtime goals were to build my pottery studio and buy a VW vanagon. I did both, in a very short time.

When the kids and I drove to see my mom, and show her the Volkswagen of my dreams, she hobbled over to the window with her oxygen tank, her breath labored, and said...

~Vera, you're FEARLESS.

The tears welled up- all I was feeling was FEAR!!

She was actively dying and my entire life was falling apart. I needed something to be excited about and to feel in control of. Escape from the madness I was experiencing.

I wanted a fun way to spend time with my kids, to go camping and explore. To LIVE AGAIN.

She died July 17th 2010, we took her off life support, and I held her hand.

That same year in November, a friend in the 12 step program called me FEARLESS Vera.

He had no knowledge of my mom calling me that.

In December of 2010 I went to Equinox studios for a holiday event. Live music, art and Fire.

A magical night. I wandered into a small gallery upstairs, there was an entire wall of encaustic paintings.

Each was 12x12" and had 3 different combinations of Hebrew letters, 2 paintings were of particular significance and to my liking.

Just below, on the table underneath, were books to referencethe Hebrew letters , one was called '72 names of God' from the Kabballah

I looked up the 2 that I was drawn to.

1. FEARLESS

2. Freedom from addiction

Woah....woah woah woah

I began a long intense study of the kabballah.

I tattooed FEARLESS on my forearm on my mom's birthday on January 26th.

That tattoo was her constant reminder that she believed in me, she was always with me.

It got me through many moments of my life, times i was downright afraid.

We had her cremated, as she wished.

I asked my brothers for some of her ashes. An odd request I know, but I explained that I wanted to memorialize her in some clay pieces, and do something special my kids. We made several small sculpture pieces in 2012 and 2013.

They sat in the studio, bisqued, and waiting for glazing.

This brings us back to the night of November 11, 2014.

November 11, 2014 I was invited to a Raku firing at Equinox studios. I was to bring my own unglazed pottery. I went to the studio and grabbed several pieces already bisque fired and headed to the event.

As I was glazing the pieces, a couple asked about my tattoo. THE tattoo. FEARLESS. I was in the building with all the studios where I first saw the paintings with the Hebrew word FEARLESS.

And, I suddenly realized I was glazing pieces of Pottery with my mom's ashes in them. It was no accident. It held great meaning. I couldn't explain it.

We wrote our intentions on paper and burned them.

I remember feeling deeply connected to how meaningful the intentions I was setting were. Everything was so deeply connected and

I felt huge waves of "knowing" Like a profound calm and reassuring trust that all is well.

I was scheduled for an interview for the newspaper the next morning about the foreclosure I was fighting with Bank of America.

On my way home I received a phone call. The woman who was to interview me had been murdered by her son. He axed her door down in a horrific drug induced bender.

His own mother.

We gathered community. She was a very active member and we lost her to drugs and violence.

We brought in family. We grieved. We talked. We fed them.

We discussed a way to memorialize her, to honor her.

I met with them several times, they were surprised that we wanted to do such a thing for her. They didn't understand. They were not close.

We decided to make a garden and place a plaque in her honor on the main street of our town.

We had a dedication during the Christmas tree lighting.

Her kids came. They spoke with me privately, still not sure what they were feeling about their mom.

She had recently released her memoir. I had read it, and asked if they had.

No. They hadn't.

I shared what my sponsor had said that had helped me when my mom was actively dying...

You can either love and accept her for who she was, or who you wished her to be. Those are your options.

They cried and thanked me. They visited me several times a year after that.

My greatest fear is I will have to die for my kids to love me again